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A few months ago, I opened
a Word document and titled it, “37 on 37”. These are not lessons I have learned
since birth, because I have no recollection of infancy. However, these are
lessons from failure, experience, reading, relationships, and just an awareness
of what has been happening around me. As I thought of lessons, I typed them
into my document with the intent of sharing them on my birthday, April 25th,
to a group of students and adult leaders at an inner-city church I lead. I hope
they are meaningful to you. If not, I hope they challenged you to create your own list. I have two qualifiers for the 37 lessons: 1) I have not mastered any or
all of them. 2) I am certain I missed a few or many.
1. Stop
making excuses.
Do what you say. If you did not do
what you said, then be the first to acknowledge it. Do not wonder if someone
has noticed, because most likely someone has. They are just not telling you they
noticed.
2. No
one is born with a discipline trait.
I learned this lesson from my wife.
She said this one day and it stuck with me. Discipline is not easier for some
people and more difficult for others. Everyone struggles with being disciplined
and the struggle is worth it. A disciplined person feels purposeful.
3. Influences
matter.
Guard who or what enters your life. Not
guarding what or who influences you would be like not applying a high SPF
sunscreen to your skin before you go swimming. You are unprotected and you will
suffer later.
4. Time
is rarely the obstacle for getting things done.
I used to make this excuse. I am not
suggesting that anyone adjust to my schedule. I am in a season of life where I
have slept less in the last 3 years than any other time in my life, not because
I want to, but because I have to. People usually comment, “I don’t know how you
do it.” My response, “I have no choice.” Stop blaming time and start looking
for gaps in your schedule. Be methodical about listing what you do every day,
notice the gaps, and get things done in the gaps.
5. Being
aware and taking action is an incredible quality that will benefit every area
of my life.
Oblivious people are given one chance,
maybe two, but rarely a third. “I didn’t know” or “No one told me” is an excuse
that only works once. If it is used more than once, then you may be viewed as
oblivious, uncaring, insensitive, disconnected, or unwilling to take an
initiative. As a “rookie” or “newbie” they are considered mistakes. If you are
neither, a rookie or newbie, then it is a character flaw that must change.
6. Going
to college right after high school may have seemed like I would have been in school
forever, but it was actually a small percentage of my life, with fewer responsibilities
at that time.
This is self-explanatory. As you get older,
you gain more responsibility.
7.
Bring empathy into conflicts.
This is empathy, to “step inside the
other person’s shoes.” Spend more time trying to gain the other person’s
perspective and less time trying to share your own. Clarify what you hear not whether
the other person heard you.
8. If I
am not reading, I am not growing. Period.
And, do not just read what you like,
but choose books that will stretch you and make you better. Reading helps you:
communicate, write, process your thoughts, gain new perspectives rather than
rely on experiences, and much more.
9. More
than saying I follow Jesus, it is my responsibility to discover how to follow
and if I am one.
This is a game changer. Ask yourself
this question, “What does it mean to be a follower of Jesus Christ?” Or this
one, “Does my character resemble Jesus’?”
If you are uncertain or unable to back it up with Scripture, then it is
time to discover it.
10. Reading
the Bible is more than an activity found on a checklist.
Shift perspective from accomplishing a
task to discovering how to align your life with Scripture. That is a much slower
process and it does not require a timetable.
11. Following
Jesus requires sacrifice, and it is always challenging.
I am still learning this, but I am
certain that my comfort is not the reason Jesus died on the cross.
12. Following
Jesus does not entitle me to every door being opened, every prayer being
answered, and an increasing income. Sometimes it is opposite.
Reading the Gospels, I am convinced
that if the disciples believed this, then we would have no Gospels to read.
They would have given up a long time ago.
13. Do
not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.
No one likes being in the position to
ask for help, unless of course the person is being manipulative, but a genuine
desire for help is humbling for all. And by all means, quit believing, “If I
confess it, then it will come true.”
When a person is drowning the conversation does not go like this:
Onlooker: Hey, are you drowning?!
Drowning victim: Don't say that!
Onlooker: It looks like you are drowning. Are you sure?
Drowning victim: I don't want to confess it!
Onlooker: Listen, I think you are drowning!
Drowning victim: No! I'm just swimming (arms flailing frantically
and water splashing).
The lesson: People who ask for help get helped.
14. YOLO,
but scars and wounds may last for a lifetime.
Do not be foolish with your today
neglecting your tomorrow. There are always consequences, always.
15. The
Internet is a great resource and can create problems.
Use it wisely. I have seen productivity,
jobs, and too many relationships become compromised with social media and Internet
porn. Good rule: If you have to hide your activity online, then it is unhealthy.
16. Awareness
of weakness rather than boasting of my strength helps keep me pure.
Saying, “I can handle it,” around a
bad habit you are trying to quit relies on your own ability to resist something
you want—sooner or later you will fail, or give in. Rather than pretending I’m
strong, I need to embrace that I am weak, because I do a better job distancing
myself from the bad habit. Live weak.
17. Deep
hurt (re)defines me.
It makes you bitter or better. I have
been both. If you do not want anyone to experience the hurt you have
experienced, then make it your mission to be better than the person who hurt
you. Deep hurt will change you; it is inevitable. Choose better, not bitter.
18. People
really do love me; cherish and keep those relationships close.
Ironically, people who have been hurt
usually run from people who exhibit true
love and to similar people they just
left. It creates further damage. When you encounter people who genuinely love
you, keep them close.
19. Say
“Thank you” often.
Those two words are powerful. When you
do not use them, others believe you are arrogant, selfish, and expect to be
served like a king or queen.
20. Everyone
loves affirmation, especially when you notice the small things.
Not everyone asks for affirmation, but
when they receive it, it is meaningful. Things happen every day, revolving
around every one of our lives, and in every arena of our lives. Are you noticing
it? The person who sacks your groceries…what is his/her name? Ever thought
about writing a card? Be aware of the small things or everyday things, list
them, and be specific about affirming another person’s effort.
21. Thinking
of only fulfilling my wants will never
fully satisfy me.
Looking back over my life, satisfying only
my wants (i.e., buying $700 rims for my $1,000 Chevy Cavalier) is never enough;
it is short-lived. However, I am filled with joy when I reflect on the moments
I gave to others.
22. If
I want deep, meaningful friendships, I must learn to become a deep and
meaningful friend.
If you just expect friends to find
you, to give you meaning, then it is a one-sided friendship. They will not
stick around for long, because those relationships are draining.
23. Allow
others to raise me to a leadership status, if they ever do.
If I make leadership the priority, then I tend to place more
emphasis on myself and my attributes and less on becoming a better follower of
Jesus and encourager of other’s attributes. Focus on following Jesus,
encouraging others, and allow leadership to be the byproduct.
24. Listening
is a more powerful form of communication than speaking.
When you listen, you learn, and can
prevent many mistakes. Speaking, without listening, creates many mistakes.
Wisdom is not determined by speaking, but knowing when to speak.
25. I
do not have to be a parent to learn about parenting or married to learn about
marriage.
Think about this: From kindergarten
until graduation, we are educated to read, do basic math, to speak, and produce
some function in society—13 years. For a bachelor’s degree, add four years—17 years.
Master’s degree…you get the idea. At your job, you are possibly learning how to
be better at your craft yearly through trainings, conferences, etc. There is a
sense of priority for our career. What about the priority of being a parent or
marriage? When was the last time you read a book on parenting? Are you doing it
yearly? What about for your marriage? Education
for your career…possibly yearly or years of schooling. Education for marriage
or parenting….(for many) zero.
26. Jesus
provided resources to others and ultimately gave himself as a resource. What do
I have to give?
Everything you have is a resource—words,
time, money, energy, stuff, etc. Discover how to use what you have as a
resource, and not just to service yourself.
27. Be
the person people want to be around.
There are at least four different
perspectives when you walk into a room: 1) You announce, “Here I am.” 2) No one
cares or notices. 3) People care and notice, but hide. 4) People care and
notice, and announce, “There he/she is.” The last perspective is results from helping
others discover their value, not convincing others of yours.
28. Marriage
and family is a microscope.
What you manage to hide in public (i.e.,
stress, anger, etc.) is usually magnified at home, because the mask comes off. You
need a place to be real and it usually happens at home. Be sensitive to how the
“real you” affects those closest to you. They may think you are being a “fake” when
they compare public you to private you.
29. It
is better to be single than wish I was.
Do not rush into a relationship
because of outside pressure. Be picky. Get advice. Make certain you want to
give your time, energy, emotion, and money to that person. No one is happy in a
relationship when prolonged thoughts of being out of the relationship are
entertained.
30. Love
is a more effective motivator than guilt.
When we use guilt to motivate another
person to respond to our desires, it is a power move. The person may respond to
shut us up (appeasement) or not respond to send us a message (burned bridge).
Either way, there is a loss of respect. Love accepts other’s decisions, even
when you disagree with those decisions. Guilt rarely draws a person back when
decisions do not pan out. No one likes hearing, “I told you so.”
31. My
overreactions give others power over me.
Being bullied throughout junior high
taught me this lesson. I used to get angry and yell at my bully, when I was
kicked. I used to cry too. Then, I realized that is what my bully wanted me to
do. Each time I responded, I gave him what he wanted, a reaction out of me. He
controlled my overreactions. In eighth grade, I decided to kick him out of the
driver’s seat of my responses. Once people discover your buttons, they push
them.
32. “Don’t
do that/dress like that/act like that in
church” can be a damaging statement.
I think this statement was said to
show respect for the “house of God,” but the implication of this statement is
much greater. I think my generation discovered its implication, “So, when I get
outside the church, I can do this/dress like this/act like this?” If it is not beneficial
in church, then it is not beneficial outside the church. We learned how to be
good church folk with our own language and standards where outsiders had to
conform. It was a show and many of my generation now desire authenticity and
sadly have been burned by the show.
33. Strive
to be authentic and genuine, not to gain a title or a paycheck.
If it cheapens your integrity, no matter
what it is, it is not worth it.
34. Life
is fragile and can be gone in an instant. Express love often.
I officiated a wedding in a town about
an hour away. It was a joyous occasion. I got in my car, hopped on the highway,
and started my journey home. About fifteen minutes into the drive, the car 100
yards in front of me veered into the grass median, lost control, and ended up
on the opposite side of the highway in a head-on collision with another car
traveling about 70 mph in the fast lane. That vehicle flipped over two lanes of
traffic and landed upside-down in the ditch. My heart was racing. I pulled
over, ran across the median, across the lanes of the highway, and yelled into the
upside-down vehicle in the ditch, “Sir! Can you hear me?!” Fifteen minutes
earlier, I was in a tuxedo celebrating the beginning of a new life journey. I
am in the same tuxedo fifteen minutes after the wedding, screaming into a
vehicle having witnessed the end of a life’s journey. The other driver never
had a chance to react. Every day, express love.
35. Journal
on paper, email, or text.
This ties into the previous lesson,
because life is fragile. We are not promised tomorrow. For your family, capture
memories, write down how much they mean to you, or what you thought of them. In
an age of smartphone technology, it is simple to create an email address for
your wife or child(ren) and send emails or take pictures and send it to them. I
hope I live a long life to speak to my family, but if I do not, they will
always know how I felt about them, because they can read about it.
36. Living
with purpose is not some big, unknowable thing. It may be a small daily decision,
like “Smile more today.”
Each day, you can live with purpose.
Try it tomorrow. Commit to one thing.
37. I
am not always right.
Any or all of these lessons may be
incorrect. You may disagree with them, challenge them, or correct them. I’m
okay with that, because I am not always right.
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