It's not what I have[.] It's what I have to give. A blog about resources--gaining, giving, and sharing.

18 November 2006

God + Me = Intimacy (Psalm 125) pt. 4

12:28 PM Posted by steve flores 1 comment
Part Four - the final entry of the saga (Parts 1-3 below)

Before I left for home (Thursday, Nov. 10—6:30am), I searched to make sure I didn’t leave anything, yet I made sure I'd leave this independent self back in Israel. I walked out onto the balcony one last time and read Psalm 125. I looked out once more into a place of so much history and destiny and prayed this,

“Thank you Lord, for quietness and peace.”

For days there was an upheaval in my heart and complete unrest as God was trying to get me to tune in with who He was and what I was really needed to be praying for, yet not fully understanding how to make it happen—intimacy. I understand, if not fully, why some of the missionaries I met challenged me. They have a radical dependence on God, one I have not had myself. I believe these missionaries whole-heartedly believed, if He doesn’t guide, guard, and provide, then what they’re doing is in vain, everything. I believe they had a better understanding of the “less of me and more of Him,” mentality than I had before I got there. It’s sad to say, but this really hadn't cemented until this trip. Not anymore. The relationship, the intimacy, that I desire takes more than just structured visits. It takes more than declaring God weeks. It takes more than playing worship music and sitting alone silently. I’ve allowed the routine of my life, the things that I do, to create a pattern that says, “I can do it on my own.” Such tasks as driving to work, knocking out to-do lists, running errands, etc, are routine. These things don’t take supernatural intervention, like healing of cancer, but how wrong am I to think that God doesn’t need to be involved in every area of my life, more than just the dire. I find that in the routine of life I set the tone for independence. And slowly but surely I gain the Lewis and Clark mentality, blazing a brand new trail—the trail of me. While in Israel, although motivated by fear, I never left a place without acknowledging my necessity for God—I wanted to sense God's presence in the numerous car rides. I wanted to make sure I was on His path, not my own.

What I desire, what I need to develop is a natural, ongoing, communication between me and the Creator, not a visit. I want to stay close to the Master’s hand, because I want Him to be reassured when He hears I’m out of tune and I want to know it too. I’m changed. I’m convicted and filled with sorrow on how I missed it, but I’m truly repentant, because I want to be changed. Isn’t that true repentance anyway?

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 2 Cor. 7:10 (NIV)

Thank you Lord for the trip and for Your incredible patience. I will talk to You soon.