It's not what I have[.] It's what I have to give. A blog about resources--gaining, giving, and sharing.

23 November 2011

Worship: More than Church Karaoke – pt.1

12:01 AM Posted by steve flores No comments
I was raised in church, practically all my life. There was probably a year or two when my family didn’t attend, but for the most part, we (my mom, and my two other brothers) were in church. My father later joined us, 13 to14 years later, and became a pastor. As a teenager, I began to question a lot of my spiritual upbringing and also practiced a lot of unhealthy behaviors. Around 16-years old, I began leading worship for my father; it was a crazy time. I lived one way at school (more like Steve, less like Christ) then got my act together to lead worship. I was the poster-child for “hypocrite”. Good intentioned compliments of how anointed worship felt, or how they were moved in worship, became perverted in mind. I thought worship was about me and their compliments served as proof that I was appearing close to God. The “closeness with God” facade seemed to convince people, yet I began feeling empty, guilty, and like a cheat. I was not real. Then, in 1994, I went to a conference with my father and was convicted about what I had been doing. I knew I needed to change, so I thought, “I know what I need to do. I need to go to Bible College to get this following Jesus thing figured out.” I was ready to make a change and stop living life as a fake.

When I returned home, I shared my new-found faith and experience with a girlfriend. She was not as excited as I was. I was crushed. The most exciting experience in my life quickly became a painful one. Immediately, I came to my parent’s house and cried. Looking back, I laugh at how I reacted, but in the moment it was heart-shattering. My parents knew I had decided to go to Bible College, so when I said, “I’m going to take a year off after high school and then think about going to school,” they were consoling, but obviously confused. It didn’t take long for me to return to the same unhealthy patterns; it was comfortable, common, and a coping mechanism for my hurt. I continued leading worship and I became conflicted. With my life, I communicated this to God: “God, you can have part of me all of the time.”  I knew it wasn’t right, but I continued to do it anyway and decided to call it worship. 

Early in summer of 1995, I finally had enough with my hypocrisy….